


Blue

by Tenderisthenight



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Angst, M/M, but here you go have it, do people even read bangjae here idk, i guess, just gloomy youngjae and sad yongguk, no one ever acknowledge my references and allusions im sad, someone who can name the references wins a prize, take it, this some word vomit idk, wait cant promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-11-07 19:02:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11065176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tenderisthenight/pseuds/Tenderisthenight
Summary: Youngjae gets along without Yongguk very well (Except sometimes)Following a breakup is the breaking of habits,and most of them are bad habits.Because it is a breakup after all.





	Blue

When Youngjae broke up with Yongguk he had cried alone in his apartment.

In the middle of the kitchen, with utensils for two and a half empty glass of alcohol in front of him.

When they broke up, it was because Youngjae doesn’t think they’re in love anymore. Although Yongguk begged to differ. Maybe it was just Youngjae being the over thinker that he was. But he had come to a conclusion, and holds to it firmly because he doesn’t love Yongguk anymore and doesn’t think he could have gone on with their relationship any longer.

When Youngjae broke up with Yongguk, it was after a fight and Yongguk’s jacket was thrown on the floor.

In the middle of the apartment they shared, under the same roof Youngjae found no love no more and he didn’t think he could live like that anymore.

When they broke up Youngjae made Yongguk leave, but Yongguk wanted to stay. With tears in his eyes, Yongguk had broken into a million pieces before Youngjae’s very own eyes. It had happened so rarely he got scared and implored for the older to leave.

When Youngjae broke up with Yongguk, Yongguk promised he could save them but Youngjae closed the front door on him and felt a huge burden lifted off his shoulder despite the muffled pleadings from the other side.

And now Youngjae’s living alone and he cooks meals alone in the kitchen. He thinks he saw Yongguk’s morning mug but it doesn’t really pass through his mind and maybe he can throw it away sometime later.

Youngjae doesn’t go to work because he thinks he’s better off in his own home and reading books that he has abandoned some time before and never continued. He doesn’t want to meet anyone and doesn’t want to talk to anyone.

In the span of one week after the breakup, Youngjae lives alone and does everything alone.

He cried the first day he found Yongguk no longer there to hold him with his cup of coffee but told himself it was fine because he doesn’t love Yongguk anymore and it was better to let go than to hold on to something he doesn’t even hold dear anymore.

Youngjae does his laundry and the machine’s only half full because the absence of another person means fewer clothes to wash. He pushes the button on the machine and there’s a song that tinkles mechanically in the small laundry space near his kitchen and it makes him look at the music player in the living room.

He rarely uses it; Yongguk found it his favorite thing in the apartment other than Youngjae – he said it once— and when Youngjae checks, Yongguk’s music is still scattered in the living room.

He feels nothing when he picked them up and arranged them neatly on the shelf. When he turns the music player on he listens to the song that always plays and echoes in the house.

When he sits on the sofa alone with the sound of the spinning clothes in the washing machine he thinks the sofa’s a little too big and spacious. He lies down and thinks the place is so cold.

He realizes he has fallen unconscious when the washing machine sings again from the kitchen, and the music has stopped somewhere in the middle of his dream.

The nap was brief and he wishes it was longer because he really needs it.

The clothes are warm when he takes them out, and he smells the fabric and presses his face into them. The warmth is comforting and he changes the bed sheet with the warm ones.

Shower’s hot and almost scalding but the sink’s empty, missing one toothbrush and the shampoo’s fragrant in his hair.

The fresh comforter around him is snug and the traffic outside hums into the room. The streetlights peered into the room slightly and Youngjae finds himself unable to sleep.

What waits for him tomorrow?

He’s going to make breakfast for one. Eat alone. Wash the dishes alone.

He recalls the way Yongguk peers over his shoulder to check on the scrambled eggs on the pan, the long arms around his torso that sways him slightly.

Maybe if he closes his eyes Yongguk can be there holding him on the bed, soft breaths against the nape of his neck, blowing lullaby and kissing away the tiredness to shoo him off to sleep.

No, he doesn’t want Yongguk back. He knows that for a fact. Youngjae’s never wrong when he comes to a conclusion. And he has come to the one where he doesn’t love Yongguk anymore.

And he knows he’s right because he sits at the table in the morning all alone every day after Yongguk was asked to leave, and he doesn’t feel his heart ache the way it should if he still loved Yongguk.

Even when the bed’s empty whenever he wakes up and he doesn’t even feel the want to see Yongguk there beside him anymore.

But now’s he’s unable to sleep. Nap, yes, but he can’t get a proper sleep on the bed that seems to grow bigger in size since he last remembered it.

When the neighbour had called his home a day after he broke up with Yongguk, it was to inform him of the man who refused to leave his front door.

Youngjae’s phone was flooded with text messages and missed calls from one person only.

_I’m sorry. We can fix this. I’m sorry I won’t make the same mistake._

_Youngjae I still love you. Give me another chance please?_

_Answer my calls._

_Goddamn it please, come back to me._

_Youngjae take me back. I’m nothing without you._

He opened the door and Yongguk was squatting on the floor, hands intertwined above his bowing head. His knees were against his chest and he was so small down there on the ground.

When he raised his head his eyes were filled with tears and he looked hopeless like an abandoned domesticated animal, but Youngjae stared down at him and didn’t think he wanted to take the man back.

“Youngjae please,” Yongguk’s voice had been raspy and he was desperate, hurt and broken. But Youngjae wasn’t. “Can we just talk through this?”

They talked through it so many times before. But it was always filled with shouts and disagreements. Youngjae doesn’t blame Yongguk for any of it. Two people are bound to disagree on some matters anyway. They could have worked around it, they did so before but Youngjae doesn’t love him anymore so he doesn’t want to make things work at all.

“Leave.” Youngjae had told him. If he had still loved Yongguk he would have broken down and weep on the floor, but he didn’t. And it was a clear indication that maybe Yongguk had noticed himself.

“No, no, no please, I still love you, you don’t understand yourself.”

And that hurt Youngjae because he understood. Yongguk didn’t.

“We can fix this, please.”

So many pleases Youngjae was sick of it. He wanted a clean breakup, because when they loved it was clean and simple, it should be the same way when they separated.

“I don’t love you anymore, Yongguk.” Youngjae sighed into the air and Yongguk was struck with disbelief.

Youngjae rarely lies and if anyone knows it better, it’s Bang Yongguk.

“So leave.”

When he closed the door he didn’t hear anymore pleading. He stayed in the living room alone in silence, and his nails were ruined from his teeth. He had bit into his own skin and time flew by just like that.

It was three hours later when he opened the door again and Yongguk wasn’t there.

In the bed Youngjae bites into his nails and feels himself crumbling. He doesn’t want Yongguk. But he realizes that he’s so alone in the house it feels surreal.

He feels blue.

And lonely.

His books are still unfinished. He’s constant in his loneliness.

Sometimes he sees the moon outside and sometimes it feels like the moon _knows_. Who is he to kid the moon?

The only thing he can think of to bring him to sleep is alcohol and a company with arms that will hold him just right in his sleep.

And he cannot even tolerate alcohol well.

He wraps the blanket around himself and goes out seeking for the couch. The leather squeaks slightly from his weight and the couch, smaller in size than the bed compensates for the emptiness that enveloped Youngjae for the past few days.

When he lies on the couch he blinks at the dark ceiling and realizes he will never sleep properly ever again. He finds his phone somewhere in the darkness, it’s unfamiliar, strange rectangle in his hand ever since he has decided he wasn’t going to need it.

The battery’s almost gone but it’s good for a short call.

His nails taste salty on his lips.

“Hello?”

“Yongguk it’s me.”

The line silences for a moment.

“I know.”

His lips are littered with broken pieces of nails and rough skin. It’s a bad habit. And it’s also a bad habit to live with someone else for a period so long that he’s grown used to it.

“Can we meet?”

Yongguk doesn’t say anything for a short while. And Youngjae pictures him holding in his breaths, like he always does when he’s thinking thoroughly. Maybe he’s nervous, or maybe he just doesn’t want to see Youngjae anymore.

“We’ve never said our farewell properly, didn’t we?”

Youngjae’s wrapped in his jacket a few minutes later and locks the door to his apartment. He walks down the stairs and enters the bar right under his apartment alone.

It’s not full, a few people are drinking and chatting. He sits at the bar and orders himself drink while he waits.

There are soft rains outside, the glass windows are blotched with circle droplets of rain.

He scratches at the glass and bites his lips as he scans the place around.

It has been so long since they have been there together, what with their work and busy schedules. They took anytime they could get to be together and usually it was around midnight when they were too tired to talk, or after fighting. And they just needed sleep.

Yongguk’s arms had been the safety harness in his roller coaster life. Lulled him to sleep easier than any sheep and any nursery rhyme lullabies.

When Yongguk arrives he’s catching his breaths. He has run all the way there, Youngjae knows, but doesn’t say anything when the said man takes off his coat and draped it over his own chair. He takes a seat beside Youngjae silently and Youngjae doesn’t look at him.

“How’ve you been?” Youngjae murmurs after Yongguk asks for a drink from the bartender. He lifts his glass slightly, the liquid cool in the glass.

The stare on him is obvious, Youngjae doesn’t remember how it feels like to have someone stare at him so long. Realizes he also doesn’t remember how it feels to have fingers running through his hair so gently and carefully he feels secure.

“Miserable.” Comes the answer.

He’s honest, Youngjae’s always appreciative of it but it strikes him how odd it is to have the honesty he had so much loved feel so repulsive.

He smiles slightly, it’s the only the thing he can manage.

“How are you?”

“Fine.”

His quick answer has Yongguk chugging on his drink.

“Youngjae,” Yongguk starts, his voice husky from the alcohol that has slipped down his throat. But he’s never drunk, he’s tolerant and Youngjae’s not. “you know whatever you say, I won’t believe you.”

Youngjae sighs, rubbing his temple. “When have I ever lied to you?”

Yongguk’s silent briefly, but Youngjae hears his intake of breath and prepares himself. “I missed you like hell. When you called me I wanted to run to you and when I saw you sitting here I wanted to kiss you so badly.”

The counter’s wooden, it’s smooth under Youngjae’s fingers. The lights are yellow. He doesn’t usually drink, only does for special occasion and only if Yongguk was there to watch over him when he got drunk.

“What does _that_ even mean?” Youngjae asks.

Yongguk’s sitting on the edge of his seat, he’s facing Youngjae but Youngjae’s merely leaning onto the counter tiredly.

“It means, I still love you.”

That much, is expected.

“Okay.”

Yongguk sighs, runs a hand through his messy black hair. Youngjae liked ruffling it, it gave him a rare feeling of being in control. He liked Yongguk’s hair against his chest, liked the way Yongguk’s head fit in the curves of his arms while he sang little excerpts of little songs.

He doesn’t like it anymore.

“Youngjae.” Yongguk pleads, hand coming to grasp Youngjae’s arm. When Youngjae feels the fingers encasing his arm he pulls his arm away.

“I told you I don’t love you anymore.” Youngjae says, looking at him finally. Yongguk stares at him expectantly. But it’s all Youngjae can ever say to him.

“I can’t do a farewell.”

“I want to.”

Youngjae orders another drink, and drinks it in silence. Yongguk watches, drinking only a little. Youngjae gets another one. Yongguk tells him to slow down, but Youngjae’s still so sober he hates himself.

“We’ve been good for all the time we’ve had.” Youngjae explains halfway through his third glass.

“Not really.” Yongguk disagrees. “I’ve fought you too much before we ended.”

Youngjae shakes his head and gazes at the man he had loved so dearly he hadn’t been able to imagine living without him. But now he is and he’s unable to sleep.

“It’s okay. It has passed.”

“I can’t forgive myself.”

“I forgive you.”

Because those fights are blurry now and to be honest Youngjae thinks he started most of them just because he’s bitter and Yongguk’s lost in Youngjae’s bitterness.

Yongguk sighs again and Youngjae gestures to his drink. He takes a sip and puts it down.

“They don’t matter anymore.”

“Nothing does, Youngjae.” Yongguk groans, rubbing his hand against his face. “You should know.”

“I know that all the good times matter.”

Youngjae smiles at him.

The older can’t even manage one in return. Youngjae can see it in the lines of his lips. He feels sorry Yongguk can’t manage to smile at a time like this, but he can and he doesn’t want to feel how it would feel like to be unable to do so.

“Have you even considered my feelings?” Yongguk asks, watching Youngjae take in the alcohol.

Youngjae winces, the alcohol hurts inside. Or maybe it doesn’t. He doesn’t know. “I stayed too long, considering your feelings when I abandoned mine.”

“No, Youngjae, we can—”

“Fix it? Work it out? I don’t think so.” Youngjae sighs and looks down at his glass. He thinks he sees his reflection, and it’s distorted.

Yongguk sounds defeated when he sighs.

“I told you, we’ve been good, mostly. But when things are… rough, it’s rough.” Youngjae turns to him slightly. They can’t keep doing this. If he lets Yongguk go on he might take Yongguk back and it’s not what he wants. Two mess of people can’t uphold each other when they barely hold their own selves together, Youngjae has learned. “I just want a peaceful farewell, please?”

Yongguk doesn’t look at him now, leaning on the counter and almost angrily, drinks his drink. His throat moves as he thinks.

Then, he laughs. A small chuckle. It’s bitter like their coffees in the morning, and Yongguk looks pained.

“When you said this was a farewell, it really is, isn’t it?” He frowns at his drink and there it is again. That same face in the doorway of Youngjae’s apartment. The same painful expression.

It hurts. But not the way anyone would think it does. It hurts Youngjae that Yongguk still cannot accept this, when he knows both of them had expected it from their frequent fights.

“You were wonderful. I want you to know that.” Youngjae mutters. “You do an awful lot of wonderful things for me. I cherish them.”

The squeezes on his shoulders, the little words of assurance spoken into the night, the welcoming smile at the end of the day and also the start of the day. Youngjae cherishes them.

Yongguk chuckles again, and Youngjae thinks he sees the older’s hands shaking, his eyes watering before he looks someplace else. Youngjae loses him, he’s hiding himself.

“You too.” Yongguk clears his throat.

Youngjae drinks. It’s good. It’s good when they can talk like this. But can he sleep?

“I’m sorry I made the neighbour call you.”

“It’s fine.”

“And that I most probably crashed your phone.”

“Almost.”

They chuckle.

“But when you called me…” Yongguk lifts his head up, looking at the bottle displayed on the shelves against the wall. “I don’t know.” He stops himself.

“We’ll do fine without each other.”

“Probably.” Yongguk nods a little, but at the moment he’s a disbeliever, Youngjae can see it. “I overreacted, initially. I couldn’t process everything correctly, it seemed.”

The things Yongguk did. All the things Yongguk ever did for him.

Youngjae finishes his drink and puts down the glass.

“It was nice seeing you.” He says. “It’s a little late, I think I’ll head on—” He almost stumbles when he gets off the chair, and Yongguk catches him by his arms.

He feels the anticipation emanating from Yongguk but laughs it off. He doesn’t feel like pulling away like he did earlier because Yongguk lets go of him just fine.

They take their jackets and walk outside. Yongguk lingers as the door closes behind them. The traffic’s slow and the lights twinkle in Youngjae’s eyes.

Youngjae tries to say goodbye but Yongguk speaks up.

 “I know I acted like I was crazy when we broke up, but I know it’s what you wanted now.”

Youngjae doesn’t understand what he means. He’s tired. From the alcohol, the burden of knowing Yongguk doesn’t want it. But he wants it so bad. To be free of this haunting relationship that was long gone.

“God damn it, I don’t want to let you go.” Yongguk suddenly hisses, looking away as his eyes glistened and he covers his mouth with a trembling hand. He seems lost, hand moving into his messy, messy jumble of hair, eyebrows furrowed from so much weight.

Youngjae frowns, feels his eyelids droop like sorrows. Yongguk’s a mess that he has always had to keep together, but why does it feels like it’s the other way around now?

“Yongguk…” he sighs, closing his eyes. “tomorrow then.”

He’s not sure if he’s saying what he’s saying. Not sure if he meant what he said. But he said it and it should mean something.

Yongguk stares at him. He doesn’t understand.

“Tomorrow.” Youngjae takes a step forward and wraps his arms around the familiar body, the familiar heat. What used to be his home. The scent of belonging fills his nostrils and he shuts his eyes tightly. He longed for this. The frame, the stature, he's so thin Youngjae feels his collarbone agaisnt his forehead.

He prays Yongguk allows him to be selfish.

“Let go of me tomorrow then.” He whispers. And he sounded sad he doesn’t know why himself.

Yongguk hands come to rest on his back. “Youngjae are you drunk?”

Youngjae shakes his head, but his voice quivers when he answers, “Yes.”

Yongguk holds him tightly, it feels like the Youngjae that had come loose from the breakup is all together again.

He feels Yongguk’s nose on his head, he remembers how it feels like to be held like this by Yongguk. He still remembers it.

“I still love you.” Yongguk whispers, his deep, husky voice shaky. “But I’m not supposed to hold on to you anymore... Yeah?”

Youngjae shuts his eyes tightly; he’s held together so securely he thinks he can fall asleep standing.

“I fear I might do something I’ll regret.”

Yongguk’s voice is so sad, his hand moving to the back of Youngjae’s neck and his fingers in the younger’s hair.

“No, you won’t.” Youngjae answers, and he hears—feels Yongguk’s heart beating. Couldn’t feel his.

He knows Yongguk better than that. All these time he has been so selfish and Yongguk allowed him. Yongguk will allow him this.

It’s hurting Yongguk but Youngjae’s holding on to him so tightly.

“Tomorrow then.”

And Yongguk follows him up to his apartment. They’re silent.

Youngjae takes off his jacket and Yongguk does too. He slips into the bed and Yongguk does too.

“I couldn’t sleep.” Youngjae murmurs as Yongguk’s arms come around him again. “I couldn’t sleep.” He repeats, burying his face into Yongguk’s chest and he feels the hum from Yongguk, feeling guilty for all the things he’s selfish for.

Yongguk holds him even more dearly. The full lips on Youngjae's forehead has his eyes fluttering shut softly, the humming traffic blending with the rain outside finally sound like a lullaby.

“I’ll let go of you tomorrow.”

 

 

 

 

In the morning the sun shines through the window.

Youngjae sits on his bed after a sound sleep.

Yongguk’s gone. Like the soft rain last night.

There’s no trace of the older on the bed. But his music’s still there. His mug is in the cupboard.

Youngjae thinks he’ll sleep better from now on.

It’s just a shame Yongguk had loved such a selfish man like Youngjae.

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> You, yes you, leave a comment.
> 
>  
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>  
> 
> please
> 
> (I'm finally begging for comments so I hope it works, it better work. GOD I'M JUST SO UNINSPIRED AND I NEED ENCOURAGING WORDS OKAY THERE I SAID IT AS A WRITER I NEED PEOPLE TO TELL ME I'M STILL DOING WELL IN WRITING AND THAT MAKES ME WANT TO WRITE MORE AND I DO WANT TO WRITE MORE BUT IF IT FEELS LIKE NO ONE'S READING THEM AT ALL THEN WHAT'S THE POINT MAYBE I SHOULD STOP WRITING ALTOGETHER LOOKIMFUCKINGDEPRESSEDOKAY)
> 
> I'm guessing this note is gonna prevent people from commenting instead lmao fml


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